


Here’s To The Dark and The Ever Remaining Silence

by InesStarkDowney



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Hurt Tony Stark, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Tony Feels, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 21:24:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14317449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InesStarkDowney/pseuds/InesStarkDowney
Summary: It was all silent and dark. It was like walking through an infinite night. Tony got used to it.Then they came back. One by one. Some because they needed, others because they wanted. Steve also came back. Tony didn't even bother to wonder why. He wasn't in the equation either way, so why bother? He just kept navigating the dark because even after being together again, it was nothing like before and it was definitely still dark outside. It was definitely silent.In the dark and the silence Tony forgives, but he can't forget. No matter how much he wants it.





	Here’s To The Dark and The Ever Remaining Silence

**Author's Note:**

> Almost 2 years after CW and I still can't move on, so here's angst, the substance I live on.

Things were loud once. There was a constant background noise. Even in the dead of night, someone whispered. There was always light, too. Everything was bright and blinding. Even when the entire world was dark, someone kept a light on. Then it was all over. The compound was empty. Rooms were vacant. It was all silent and dark. It was like walking through an infinite night. Tony got used to it.

Then they came back. One by one. Some because they needed, others because they wanted. Steve also came back. Tony didn't even bother to wonder why. He wasn't in the equation either way, so why bother? He just kept navigating the dark because even after being together again, it was nothing like before and it was definitely still dark outside. It was definitely silent.

Sure, there was this need to fill in the empty space with jokes, with sarcastic remarks, with stupid games, as though nothing had happened, as though they tried their hardest to bury it deep. Tony was part of that effort.

He replaced Nat's hiding places with treats instead of guns. He fought constantly with Clint over tiny things only to end up laughing. He made sure to dye Sam's clothes pink. He even gave Bucky infuriating nicknames.

But when it came to Steve, Tony was thrown into a soundproof room: nothing coming in, nothing going out.

They often stood side by side, shoulder to shoulder, but despite being as close as they were there was nothing between them. A void.

Tony pretended he didn't see it, feel it, touch it, hear it. Tony knew how to pretend really well.

The pretending had two acts. Act 1: rage. Tony resented Steve with a force too strong to even fight back. Act 2: Forgiveness. Fear. Hurt. Ache. Heartbreak. Loneliness. The minute Tony forgave Steve for the lies was the minute Tony became vulnerable, cut open because right then resentment left him and pure heartbreak took its place.

So now Tony pretended to avoid that constant ache beside Steve, the ache of having him there and yet not having him at all.

Till one night both were awake, like so many nights before. In the kitchen, in the dark, in the silence, Tony made a fresh cup of coffee and Steve poured cold water into a glass.

"I forgive you." It slipped away easily, far more easily than it should have, Tony realized, but there was no taking it back.

Tony outstretched something for Steve to hold on to for the first time in years. Tony was just trying to fill in the void. It was too much. It hurt, but it was too much.

Somehow, Steve grabbed on harder and pulled and pulled till he was inches away from Tony, his chest to Tony's back.

Tony stood still, wide eyes looking into the dark liquid in his mug, waiting for whatever it would come from Steve. A breath. A word. A touch. Anything. Tony waited.

Steve raised both hands to Tony's waist, grabbing on loosely, and pressed his forehead into Tony's nape. Steve sighed loudly, almost as if a sob escaped his lungs covered as a deep breath.

10

9

8

7

6

5

4

3

2

1

0

Tony breathed in and out and let himself relax against Steve.

Just for a while. It was just for a little while. It wouldn't be permanent. Being this close wouldn't tattoo Steve onto Tony's skin. He'd be able to leave. Because no matter what, no matter whatever he once felt, no matter whatever lingered, Tony wanted to leave.

The good aren't meant to last and they didn't. There was no going back to greatness.

But he let himself linger for a little while. Catch up on what he lost, on what he could have had more of. Wonder what that would have been like.

The trust. The affection. The passion. The bright morning and the less lonely nights. Steve's blue eyes. His smile. The fights. The want. The despair. The miscommunication. But in the end, the I love yous. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you!

Tony had closed his eyes, opening them now with a racing heart and a deep, furious anxiety making its way up his lungs and into his mouth. With the sudden tension of Tony's body Steve backed away, as if burnt and Tony slipped away, as casually as he could muster with his trembling legs and shaking hands. He held on with enough strength to his mug and walked away, back to his workshop where there was some light, where Peter came to learn and look at Tony like he held every secret in his hand, and where the whirring sounds of his robots made up for the silence he had to endure in the absence of Steve.

He left Steve alone in the kitchen with the realization that the void could not be filled. It was a little too late. Tony could forgive, he just couldn't forget. It was all over his skin, in the deepest corners of his mind, in the way he talked, in the way he thought and acted, in the way he moved and in the way he stared at Steve. It was everywhere and Tony couldn't let go.

So here's to the dark and the ever remaining silence.


End file.
